Mother Love

It’s not only seeing the beauty between the raindrops

It’s seeing the beauty in the raindrops

Even when the raindrops are our tears

– Lori Freed

‘I watched in loneliness as many fell away during my grief.

I felt sadness as many ran away from my Love. Both are uncomfortable to many

– but if you Embrace both – you will be free. Don’t run from Freedom. It is what you have longed for. It is ‘Home.’

-Lori Freed

Each time we rise from the ashes our wings of love grow bigger

– it is the ultimate choice of Self-love when

we rise again- then we take flight in that love and soar through the sky where our wings release seeds of

love that scatters and plant in places you may never know or see but where love is needed.

The seeds find their home and you gifted the bloom of love for many by blooming in the love of self.

It is mornings like these that my phone decided I want to see a photo memory that it chooses- not I –

Waking up to this one from July 2011 after a meltdown of grief night – I feel kinda numb to be honest.

In July 2011 I had already learned my son Elijah would not live – and this photo is from taking him in uterine
and my young daughter to Hawaii- to show him the beauty and the rainbows while within me.

Yea- I am not feeling all the beauty and rainbows this morning
from being exhausted from the gut-wrenching tsunami tears last night – however, I know that feeling of beauty is waiting for me to get up out of bed and use my tears to water.

The Loving Garden to let this very representation of love bloom on to help others in the dire need I knew and know.

Get up Lori.

Rise and Bloom Love On.

– Lori Freed

Less than 5 weeks before The Loving Garden is to open its gates on

Valentine’s Day 2021 – pulling out my reserves of strength and courage to

keep facing the memories, the reminders rising to the surface every moment,

the truth of my life of losing my son and so many of my loves… can Love get

me to the gate doors?

I’m already on my knees. I must give greater purpose to the pain – I must let

others know they do not walk on their knees alone –

and help them rise and bloom in our greatest power and healer.

I always believed in – Love.

Sitting with the owner of the HurriCane Maria dismantled property it reminds me of my friend in malibu of her property turning to ash during the wildfires and also sitting there amongst the piles of soot reflective of my own life at the time. And now sitting here 2 years later amongst the destruction of this dear soul’s life and talking about rebuilding- which again reminds me of where I am at in my own life after my personal hurricane of 2020 that felt like I died multiple times. 

The loss of self from a relationship ship that left me a carcass, the actions one I love so much pushing me away, the horrific death of my mother from Covid-19 and even more horrific actions – and inactions of those that supposedly loved my mother, a disastrous flood in her homes after she passed, losing my location of living in California, living financially on a shoestring with no unemployment help or stipend check help because I was in a loophole and too exhausted from grief and zig zagging cross country for my moms affairs to even deal with shambles of my own life during a deadly pandemic and being immune compromised. Oh there is kore to 2020 so much more but this entry would become a book unto itself.

Back to these women and the metaphor…

To rebuild these structures and also businesses they created, to rebuild their hearts and their emotional devastation is a fear unlike any other of multi levels of grief –  our homes, our structures- they are our havens, they are supposed to be our safety and security – they store the halls of our memories and experiences – they are a financial security for some – and in a moment we cannot control – they are washed away or burnt away – and leave the identity of self in ruin as well.

The walls we all build – metaphorically or physical walls – are for purpose – for protection is a big one. We become exposed when our structures of what we built  are swept away leaving us exposed to the elements and the masses of those who stand in  judgmental and whispering eyes –

And then our fear instills- we don’t want to be seen as anything less than strong – as strong as the supposed structures we built.

The strength it takes to stand in this nakedness is not materials, is not a blanket to cover our raw truth and grief – it is the strength and power of the other ‘home’ the other structure we all forgot too often – ourselves- our true Home here. And that houses our real selves- love. The very walls that came furiously down on us do not make who we are, they do not define us- they were really only temporary anyway- we judge hedge our bets they will outlive us.

What is always left standing at any moment after an annihilation is our superpower – – LOVE. And nobody and nothing can take this Home away! IF we don’t allow it.

Knowing that nothing defines a person more than them knowing they are worthy of love and have always, always been love until the world touched us in ways that felt less than this love and we conformed to other feelings and ways of living in the world in order to survive.

In order to build – no rebuild- but build from the strongest foundation – it’s starts with self and being love to your own self regardless of any eyes upon us. It is not selfish – and anyone who says it is does not love their own self. It is necessary to remember if we always love others because they are worthy of it/ why would it not be ok to be worthy of our own love too? It has been ass backwards for so long- excuse my language.

If we love ourselves enough to tell ourselves- these walls no more won’t stop me – because they are no more – what I have to build upon now is the foundation of love – and in that energy feeling – yes the help will come, the money will come, the peace will come. Fear and anger will keep us standing in the middle of the wreckage and weakens our driving force.

It is standing in this very wreckage of rotted wood or piles of ashes called our life – be it a home, a relationship, a loss of someone, a job…that we still have the breath of life for a reason – and if you are reading this then consider

Yourself blessed because you obviously have more purpose in your life to complete/ you ain’t done yet.

If we ourselves withstood what destroyed all else- then that is evidence we are meant to rise up, carry on- and show our true strength, our real selves – the truth of just how loved we are that we withstood the force that took all else away. Can you own this truth? It took me a seriously long time to accept I had more strength in me than I knew, more courage, and most of all…more love. I found the courage to love myself when the shattering of everything and everyone in my life and grief was trying to tell me otherwise. I no longer listened to what weakened me-I was pretty much left with no choice but to trust the love I kept hidden out of fear of rejection and accusations and shame.

I chose again. I chose my Truth of who and what I am and have always been – my hidden away superpower – Love.

If we choose to see through these eyes, these perceptions – there is purpose to our pain – then we pull our bootstraps up, put our big girl- and boy- pants on, expand our arms (wings as I call them) even bigger and declare – ‘Watch out, my true power now leads – because I know I deserve to remember what I am – LOVE. And love is our greatest strength, our greatest healer and our greatest Truth.

Build from the power of the real YOU.

(In a bow to my dear friends Bibi and Karen – 2 of the strongest women I know. Both rising in their truth and power of Love to rise and build from the wreckage and ash.)

Love On ladies!

I wrote this almost 2 years ago on a road trip through Tennessee when my heart was breaking because so much love is falling away and I forgot to love myself.

REMEMBER ME… 

For you, I’d climb the mountain
I’d run, I’d crawl, I’d fall.
For you, my love, I’d carry you
through it all
Cuz After all…

You are the song
You are the summit of our lives
Won’t you sing to me
Sing with me
For our love…

The Loving Garden is in honor of the 500,000 and so many more…

– a soul said before CoVid took him from us all.

As the sun rose this morning I say my daily mantra – “It’s a beautiful day, thank you for having me.”

No matter the pain or circumstance or wave of grief at any day  – I say it anyway in gratitude  – because I am here to see it, feel it, breathe it and I know that too many will take their last breath today due to COVID and other ways of leaving us. Our breath and love must live on in their honor and in our own.

Please help bloom love and support on to help others. Plant a flower seed of love today.

Whatever it is – it will be your feeling you carry around. Choose to perceive Love and feel it. You will be so much more at peace. 

Love does not exist to be the exception in our lives- it was created to be the rule.

I was doing my exercise walk and formulating a lot more for the loving garden meeting coming up on zoom, and a truck slow led down for me to pass an intersection on a country road. I walked faster as I could see he was waiting to turn. I waved as a thank you and he rolled down his window and he said something and I said ‘what was that?’ and he said ‘ladies always have the right of way.’

I bowed in gratitude and then I changed his very nice comment to ‘love always has the right of way. Yes love always has the right of way at any intersection of our lives. And on my walk this is what appears. Yes love has the right away and if you are love you are living the right way.