Let It go, let it all go

(Written 3/30/2021 over coffee at sunrise)

This phrase comes into my thought process so very often. It just pops in like an uninvited guest who will keep showing up and repeating themselves until you actually stop and just allow the conversation to be had. It’s because all they really want is to be heard.

And so the saying, “Let it go, Let it all go” is what I heard when I took my heart for its familiar walk along the coast of the Pacific in California a couple of months after my mother passed away from Covid.  I have been taking my heart for a walk along the shores since the early 1990s, where much of my writings were created on those very beaches at sunset.

And this particular days heart walk, I know it wasn’t my voice in the silent saying this, it was my mothers. The tremendous amount of heartbreak, grief, fear and now responsibility of handling her affairs that resulted in such egregious behavior from others who supposedly loved her because she finally gave me a voice and trusted me to handle her affairs with transparency and love.

The compounding shock and grief of the last month of suffering of my mothers life with the horrific aftermath of the final fall out from those labeled “family“, in this lifetime, was a weight that was crushing the breath out of the very heart that was broken and crying on the walk.

“Let it go, Let it all go” over these past months of it replaying with every step wherever I am wandering lost once again in the lost and found of life – and hunkering down somewhere to rest a spell – as I had to criss-cross the country since May 2020 to handle moms affairs on my own  – of facing my fears and grief picking up shattered pieces of her life and mine while simultaneously navigating a deadly pandemic, my own health challenge awareness, and behaviors of others that is completely antithesis to love… When I hear the saying now, like I am this morning as I write this, what it translates to me now is, nothing and nobody deserves to make you suffer ever again. Let me go and all the storylines, pain, fear, and tears from the storylines you have lived that have brought you to this point.

So if I let it all go, all the feelings and emotions and thoughts less than loving in its purest form, I have permission to let them go. And I have, because I asked myself how I choose to live the rest of my days and what do I want my life to FEEL like from here on. Not look like or sound like or any other five senses, but what do I want to feel…? 

And I know in the very heart that was shattered on the heart walk almost 8 months ago, this phrase came from my mother. She wanted me to be freed from the storylines that were never mine to own of fear and suffering.

If I do not let it go, let it all go then how can I give purpose to the pain authentically, how can I honor love and my mother if I have an attachment to what that love felt like that was less than love itself.

In letting it all go on every level mentally, emotionally, physically, materialistically, financially and just walk on, that is what I walk and take with me; the love that never died. 

This is being the ultimate beneficiary, the ultimate peace, the ultimate freedom, the ultimate truth. It is the one and only gift my mother has ever really given me that acknowledges she always did love me through my decades of questioning such. She gave me the ultimate gift of love in the end… what I had longed for since a child sequestered to the shadows of attention because chaos and anarchy reined since the beginning of my memories forming.

And finding the writings and letters to my mom through my decades, chasing her love and asking for nothing else, I understand now she had nothing left to give and by loving me while here would have put me in jeopardy of more suffering by the hands of another. So, by not showing me affection or diverting attention away from another and choosing me she was actually protecting me and she took the suffering upon herself like an invisible note I never knew was there until she passed away and it revealed itself.

In her releasing herself from the pain and suffering not only from Covid, but I understand now from every level of her being, she freed herself and in her freedom, she gave me mine. What I lived as conditional love, the fallacy of love- always affirmed there was more to love and chose to delve “into the kite“ and my life‘s journey, her choosing to die, I know that in itself was an act of unconditional love. Finally. For herself. And for me.

She let go, she let it all go… and I have too now.

We are both at peace and free to love without pain or fear.

We let go to let the love live on.

Thank you Mom

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