One year ago today – my mother I laid my mother to rest as Covid won the battle
In this year of grief and suffering- many more battles were waged- by mercy I am still here – from Love and grief I created The Loving Garden 10 years sitting in my heart created from the loss of my child – and it waited for me to honor it. In the grief of 2020 I could hear my mother telling me it is time to sow the Garden. While handling her affairs, traveling cross country during a deadly pandemic and navigating ineffable actions and behaviors of others- I began the development of the Garden- it is what kept me going, what kept me alive many times I didn’t think I could stay in any more pain. I channeled my compounded grief and unrequited love for my son, my mother-all my loves who went Home too soon- there are many. And most of all- I sowed The Loving Garden in the firm belief and conviction that Love is our strength, our healer, our very essence we are created from and that Love is the ultimate peace we seek and meant to live from.
I cursed the depth of my grief until I used it for good – and from the unending compounding grief- love bloomed – from the darkness of the soil emerged the light of Truth- of beauty – of Love. By honoring both – I had a choice which I would allow to lead – I chose Love – and by doing so – I chose to help others know the Truth about Love and what love can do. And this is why The Loving Garden is here for all – anytime – to know their love and grief are honored – love will help heal by blooming it on – and that love is never the wrong choice in which to let your life be leased wrong.
Thank you mom- for all we didn’t have and didn’t do and I didn’t get while
You were here, what I did ultimately receive by your letting go – was the Love I always sought and Waited for. I was waiting for myself to give myself permission to Love me as much as I loved others. Thank you. And thank you for helping The Loving Garden finally come to life and bloom love on for all to help each other in the honor of Love.
I love you eternal Mom. 
THERE IS ALWAYS PURPOSE TO MEETING SOMEONE.
These are the moments why I am staying alive:
Text message:
This is Julee Y.— thank you so much for chatting with me after yoga today! Without knowing ahead of it— I really needed our conversation today— thank you, thank you! Enjoy Mother’s Day, last year was the first one without my mom, I think I was still in shock or denial, this year seems even more difficult, nothing like a mom! Celebrate your mom and being a mom on Sunday!
Me:
And thank you for sharing a heart conversation.I guess I needed an understanding connection too at that moment.
it is interesting times – and while we have to go through and honor the grief moments, we have to stay in truth and trust that love never leaves- it evolves in our hearts even more by appreciation of having felt it. Those that truly know love- are very blessed. You are very blessed Julee. Thank you for being you. Enjoy and honor your moms day too and stay connected. Much
– Lori Freed
TheLovingGarden.com
– Love is never the wrong choice.
(Julee lost her mother in 2019 and her 4 month old daughter 31 years ago. We just met today and she opened her heart and truth to me – and I shared the same. A moment of compassion and love is a true healing helper. We are not alone. You do not walk alone. 💕🌷)
Love Blooms Bigger on Easter
LOVE BLOOMS BIGGER ON EASTER
TheLovingGarden.com is now accepting submissions to help those in need
Plant a Seed of Love * Love Blooms * Your Love Helps Others from Love
St. Croix, USVI, April 4, 2021: The seed of a Love Legacy idea planted 10 years ago to help others, all in the name of love, http://www.thelovinggarden.com/ came into bloom on Valentine’s Day 2021.
The Garden was finally created after the Founder’s mother passed away from Covid in May 2020. She focused on Love to get her through her grief and the mission is to share the power and strength of love with others, especially at a time when we are all navigating this collective pain of the last year.
This Easter, April 4, 2021 THE LOVING GARDEN blooms even bigger with the opening for submissions to request help in the name of love – the requesters are known as Flowers of Love Recipients.
THE LOVING GARDEN honors the grief of anyone who plants a flower seed of love in the virtual garden in the honor of a loved one, even self love, one love, any kind of unconditional love.
The flowers seeds of love will go on to bloom love to the Flowers of Love Recipients in need of love, covid relief support, counseling, aid, shelter, funeral expenses, childcare and so much more.
“It is time to sow love and reap love as a collective.” says [Lori Freed], Founder, The Loving Garden Inc. “It’s time, more than ever to begin our collective healing journey and rise up while lending a hand and heart to another who needs help getting up, hence Flowers of Love Recipients who can now come to the Garden to request support. The more Flower seeds of love planted (ie: donations) in the Garden, the more we can help and heal hearts faster.”
Ms. Freed says it is the Full Circle of Love. “Healing the grief begins with honoring and accepting why it exists. Because love existed. And still does. Always will. It does not leave when we endure a loss. The Loving Garden exists to honor both the grief and the love and to bloom LOVE on and to make sure all know they do not have to grief alone and the ME turns into a WE for healing and love gained not lost.”
Please visit http://www.thelovinggarden.com/ and honor those you love while helping others in need of love and assistance. Including yourself.
Bloom Love On... ###
Always Be a Lover
(I recently came upon this wonderful passage by Rumi and it made my heart smile. Sharing the smile of Love’s Truth.)
Wherever you may be, in whatever situation or circumstance you may find yourself, strive always to be a lover, and a passionate lover. Once you possess your heart in love, you will always be a lover, in the tomb, at the Resurrection, and in Paradise forever and ever.
Sow wheat and wheat will grow; wheat will flourish in the fields, and bread will glow in the oven.
-Rumi
My translation: Being a lover is about being Love in every area of one’s life. Not just intimate moments. But being that essence all the time.
Even in the darkness, love is there, we can rise in it and be it forever when it comes from our hearts without attachment to getting something back. That is a true lover. Just love.
And we shall sow flower seeds of Love in The Loving Garden and Love will flourish just like the wheat and the bread of Rumi’s metaphoric words.
Bloom Love On…
-Mother Love
“Love has the right of way”
I was doing my exercise walk and formulating a lot more for the loving garden meeting coming up on zoom, and a truck slowed down for me to pass an intersection on a country road. I walked faster as I could see he was waiting to turn. I waved as a thank you and he rolled down his window and he said something and I said ‘what was that?’ and he said ‘ladies always have the right of way.’
I bowed in gratitude and then I changed his very nice comment to ‘love always has the right of way.’
Yes love always has the right of way at any intersection of our lives.
And on my walk this is what appears.
Yes love has the right away and if you are love, you are living the right way.
Duality of the winds
The winds of love swept me up like a tornado and left me dizzy in joy.
The winds of Grief came and swept me up like a tornado and left me battered and torn.
In the stillness of a windless day hence- I have chosen to honor both. But I choose to fly in remembrance in the winds love, always.
—-Lori Freed
Grieving insight & Help
Written 1 Year ago – 1 month before I got the call my mother got Covid and would ultimately pass away. I, myself needed to read my words again – I hope they are in service to You- posted with Love. 
Grieving Insight & Help:
I am spending this time to write this because if it helps even one person- it is worth it.
I am going to share an insight that a sunSET is also a sunRISE.
If you have never experienced GRIEF before – what you are feeling is more than likely one of the stages of GRIEF.
I have lived the process many, many, many times. Personally and professionally. Two of my biggest GRIEVING moments was the loss of my sense of ‘Self’, more than once. The other, my child. The list of loss and subsequent griefs goes on…
I am spending the time to write this because I am aware of Grief and know first hand the pain you are feeling. I am not an instructor telling you how you are feeling. I am sharing your feelings by having Lived and now Living through the same.
For your awareness.
Here is some insight and please, honor yourself during this time:
Think about your past feelings-
February/early March – DENIAL
(Denied what was happening, what could happen, doesn’t apply to me…)
Mid March/Now – ANGER (Which is Fear at the root from safety threatened-physically or your safety of livelihood- the feeling of Powerlessness- your Identity of yourself has been cracked open.)
Many are headed for the next 3 Stages:
DEPRESSION – not knowing which way to go. Frozen. The ground gave out beneath them. Lack of energy. Fatigue. Mind zapped and feelings of hopelessness.
BARGAINING – internal struggle with coming to terms of a trauma or loss. Actual or perceived.
Heart and mind(ego) battle. Grasping for a solution to get their life back to what they knew.
ACCEPTANCE – surrendering to the Truth of a loss, in whatever form. Letting go of what you knew, had or loved. Or, didn’t even know how much you appreciated it until it or they were gone. Loss of how you envisioned or thought your life would be.
In order to rise again in your life – not suppressing your feelings is Crucial to your healing the wounds you are feeling. In whatever stage.
In order to build any ‘new’ normal of ones life from a strong foundation- having compassion for
Yourself and your feelings is vital.
Your foundation has been weakened- burying your feelings will weaken it even more when it’s time to move forward into the perceived unknown.
These feelings don’t mean you are weak. They mean you are strong.
Because you are feeling feelings that tell you how much you care about
Your life, your families, your child’s, perhaps for all the people in the world.
Some feelings make you vulnerable such as these however, it is vulnerability where true strength resides. Read that line again.
To be transparent – and know the greater the grief- the greater the love and appreciation is for what was ‘lost’
– that you may not have realized your own gratitude.
During this time of Grief- which is a collective worldwide feeling – many trying to push away to gain a sense of control.
Know that you can rise from this – when you allow Yourself to go through the pain, not around it, or bury it deep within.
Burying these feelings will cause more dis-ease in your physical body than a virus.
So what can you do during this time of Grief:
Be vulnerable. It is truly one of
Your greatest strengths. Share your feelings with your close
Ones. Know that emotions for all are running high and more than likely they too are in one of these stages and recognize it with every interaction and conversation. Respect and have compassion for them as the same of what you need right now. Be transparent. Communicate. Honest Truth is The peace you are seeking. Not illusion of truth.
Take a time out for yourself. Have alone time, allow yourself to hit a pillow or cry or just check out for a bit.
Do not project your feelings the best you can onto another. It fuels a fire that helps no one.
The worry of caring for children and making money cannot be solved by the the feeling of worry. And that emotion depletes your energy to do anything proactive. It’s in our nature as parents to worry or individuals to survive.
However, knowing the emotion of worry is like a hamster in a wheel, it goes nowhere, creates nothing good and is an emotion that can be switched to caring. Worry is powerless – Caring is powerful.
You are more powerful than you know.
Anxiety is an emotion of something even yet to happen. It’s a feeling of impending and deprives from feeling powerless. Which you are not. And again is a feeling that does not serve you or anyone. It is a weakening emotion. And will weaken your immune system as well.
Your body will take on what you do not process emotionally or mentally. And your body will absorb those energies and react to them in an adverse way. Be aware of this.
In order to take care of anyone – you must take care of your well being first to stay healthy and strong in body and in mind. Or the dominos will fall all around.
The mind is your servant and many feel they are a slave to their mind, especially during this time of crisis. It is your choice.
Where their thoughts race and whatever one is thinking will magnate the same In return. Think about what you are thinking about – are your thoughts scary or positive?
Thoughts are like seeds in a garden- what you plant will grow. Any negative thoughts will attract the same energy. And the spinout in your life will continue.
Stop the spin. If you cannot think of positive thoughts and gratitude and the feeling of trust has been broken, then think of nothing.
Visualize a pause button on the remote on the movie you are watching. Stop the movie, stop the action. Press that pause button in your Mind. Having the remote control is having the power. What button are you going to push?
Press pause to help If the movie of thoughts playing in your head hinder you, not help you. And keep pressing until that movie is one you want to watch, that makes you feel good.
The GRIEF process is not linear. It is a process and hops around from stage to stage. Recognize what stage you are feeling at any given moment.
Having this awareness of what
You are feeling is powerful/you are powerful.
Know and allow this time – and know
That what is ‘gone’ is an opportunity to build and create whatever you have ever wanted your life to look like.
Fix what wasn’t working personally or professionally, if it can’t be fixed, change it. Create a new You- live the life you thought about when no one was looking.
Make wishes a reality. Live from your true passion you were kept from for so long.
Before you can change or fix anything- it starts with fixing and changing your
Mindset and perspective of our times.
This did not happen to you. You are not a victim.
This happened for You. To be victorious in your life and is a real life example of just how much you gave your power and value of life away to others who told you what to do and who you are. And a test of just how strong you are.
The anger you feel of the ‘plans’ in life you had – the ways you ‘think/thought’ things should be. Those are ways of ‘control’ in a limited thinking sense. And those too are a sense of grief.
I am not going to say Now, I am going to say Soon, that the open door to walk into a life that brings not just survival or a dollar sign is here.
And it will stay open for quite awhile, actually it was always open,
You just may see it a little clearer now –
Life is moldable and you are the artist. When the time is right for
You, Sit at the potters wheel and mold your new life, write the script of the movie you want to live in, paint the masterpiece from scratch instead of
Looking at a painting that was painted for you by another.
Letting go is hard, it is painful- but in doing so- you allow space in for something even greater waiting. But first, you need to honor your feelings.
You are truly stronger than this moment in time and more courageous than you realize.
In heart- not in ego. Ego will take power and create an illusion that will eventually tumble down.
You are the leadership many are looking for. You Lead. And this time – Lead from the heart. If you think fearing for
Your life and for others is living from the heart and from love- it is not. Fear cannot exist where love is. Fear wears many masks. Including anger.
If you don’t know what unconditional Love is, or never experienced it, now
Is the time to discover this true superhero power.
And going through the GRIEF process- by allowing yourself to work through the stages- the mask will fall away – Because looking only through the eyes of sight is limiting you. What is meant to be seen is far beyond your eyes and creating thoughts from just what you see. Which will create action and manifest in your life in a limiting way.
And trust soon you will rise – even if
You don’t feel that right now. It’s ok- just know You will.
I am writing this from the awareness of my own grief process and knowing where I am at emotionally. I have turned the corner into acceptance and that is why I can write this from my heart not from soothing the ego of self or anyone.
Everyone is on their own timetable. There is no one timeframe fits all. Go at a pace that honors you and don’t rush it.
And when you come through this- you may not recognize yourself- however you are one step closer to your True Self. May feel a little naked even. Well we were born that way – and that means now we can choose what to wear on our bodies and hearts. It takes Courage. It takes Trust. It takes honoring yourself. Maybe for the first time in your life.
Above all- remember – this crisis is a MOMENT in your life- this is not
Your forever.
This is a pause button for all of humanity. A time to contemplate and reflect of Who I Was and what was driving My life.
And then, when the time is right, you create you new normal from a strong foundation vision with you leading from Who I Am.
From the ashes comes beauty
From the pain comes wisdom
From the loss comes the opportunity for gain.
From honoring the truth comes peace.
And above all- the true test of Love is at hand. For Self and Others. The greatest superpower you have in your toolbox.
Your life is temporary- accepting this truth turns your fear of dying into gratitude for living and opens up every possibility to live it as fully and joyous as you were meant to. And that has nothing to do with a dollar sign.
– live forward in your healing knowing you are in a more powerful position than you have ever been to live this lifetime with the strongest foundation variables of Love, Courage, Forgiveness, Compassion, Gratitude, Passion and Strength-
Have those feelings and actions from those feelings be your Legacy.
GRIEF is a teacher.
And while we cannot control what is invisible or inevitable- the one biggest thing we can control is our mindset- which is the nucleus factory of our thoughts that will dictate all.
Choose wisely. Honor Self and then you will Rise.
I look back in humility to realize just how strong I was to rise from great loses of loves and from the illusion I was living. First though-
I had to allow my Grief to pass through and be with it every step. And each time it appeared.
Eventually when you Allow yourself to be with the question of ‘Well who am I now?” – it will lead you to the evolving answer of Who I am- and that is when you rise, not in a reactive survival mode, but it the true Creator of your life moving forward. The life that has been waiting for you. Letting that in means letting go- and the grief process will carry you there, if you honor it.
Allow the sunSET moment of your life so the sunRISE can come again.
I am here to give you a hand through and up if you’d like one.
Or feel free to share this with someone who may need this writing or a hand to hold. My hand and heart are outstretched to them.
Much
Grieving Insight & Help:
I am spending this time to write this because if it helps even one person- it is worth it.
I am going to share an insight that a sunSET is also a sunRISE.
If you have never experienced GRIEF before – what you are feeling is more than likely one of the stages of GRIEF.
I have lived the process many, many, many times. Personally and professionally. Two of my biggest GRIEVING moments was the loss of my sense of ‘Self’, more than once. The other, my child. The list of loss and subsequent griefs goes on…
I am spending the time to write this because I am aware of Grief and know first hand the pain you are feeling. I am not an instructor telling you how you are feeling. I am sharing your feelings by having Lived and now Living through the same.
For your awareness.
Here is some insight and please, honor yourself during this time:
Think about your past feelings-
February/early March – DENIAL
(Denied what was happening, what could happen, doesn’t apply to me…)
Mid March/Now – ANGER (Which is Fear at the root from safety threatened-physically or your safety of livelihood- the feeling of Powerlessness- your Identity of yourself has been cracked open.)
Many are headed for the next 3 Stages:
DEPRESSION – not knowing which way to go. Frozen. The ground gave out beneath them. Lack of energy. Fatigue. Mind zapped and feelings of hopelessness.
BARGAINING – internal struggle with coming to terms of a trauma or loss. Actual or perceived.
Heart and mind(ego) battle. Grasping for a solution to get their life back to what they knew.
ACCEPTANCE – surrendering to the Truth of a loss, in whatever form. Letting go of what you knew, had or loved. Or, didn’t even know how much you appreciated it until it or they were gone. Loss of how you envisioned or thought your life would be.
In order to rise again in your life – not suppressing your feelings is Crucial to your healing the wounds you are feeling. In whatever stage.
In order to build any ‘new’ normal of ones life from a strong foundation- having compassion for
Yourself and your feelings is vital.
Your foundation has been weakened- burying your feelings will weaken it even more when it’s time to move forward into the perceived unknown.
These feelings don’t mean you are weak. They mean you are strong.
Because you are feeling feelings that tell you how much you care about
Your life, your families, your child’s, perhaps for all the people in the world.
Some feelings make you vulnerable such as these however, it is vulnerability where true strength resides. Read that line again.
To be transparent – and know the greater the grief- the greater the love and appreciation is for what was ‘lost’
– that you may not have realized your own gratitude.
During this time of Grief- which is a collective worldwide feeling – many trying to push away to gain a sense of control.
Know that you can rise from this – when you allow Yourself to go through the pain, not around it, or bury it deep within.
Burying these feelings will cause more dis-ease in your physical body than a virus.
So what can you do during this time of Grief:
Be vulnerable. It is truly one of
Your greatest strengths. Share your feelings with your close
Ones. Know that emotions for all are running high and more than likely they too are in one of these stages and recognize it with every interaction and conversation. Respect and have compassion for them as the same of what you need right now. Be transparent. Communicate. Honest Truth is The peace you are seeking. Not illusion of truth.
Take a time out for yourself. Have alone time, allow yourself to hit a pillow or cry or just check out for a bit.
Do not project your feelings the best you can onto another. It fuels a fire that helps no one.
The worry of caring for children and making money cannot be solved by the the feeling of worry. And that emotion depletes your energy to do anything proactive. It’s in our nature as parents to worry or individuals to survive.
However, knowing the emotion of worry is like a hamster in a wheel, it goes nowhere, creates nothing good and is an emotion that can be switched to caring. Worry is powerless – Caring is powerful.
You are more powerful than you know.
Anxiety is an emotion of something even yet to happen. It’s a feeling of impending and deprives from feeling powerless. Which you are not. And again is a feeling that does not serve you or anyone. It is a weakening emotion. And will weaken your immune system as well.
Your body will take on what you do not process emotionally or mentally. And your body will absorb those energies and react to them in an adverse way. Be aware of this.
In order to take care of anyone – you must take care of your well being first to stay healthy and strong in body and in mind. Or the dominos will fall all around.
The mind is your servant and many feel they are a slave to their mind, especially during this time of crisis. It is your choice.
Where their thoughts race and whatever one is thinking will magnate the same In return. Think about what you are thinking about – are your thoughts scary or positive?
Thoughts are like seeds in a garden- what you plant will grow. Any negative thoughts will attract the same energy. And the spinout in your life will continue.
Stop the spin. If you cannot think of positive thoughts and gratitude and the feeling of trust has been broken, then think of nothing.
Visualize a pause button on the remote on the movie you are watching. Stop the movie, stop the action. Press that pause button in your Mind. Having the remote control is having the power. What button are you going to push?
Press pause to help If the movie of thoughts playing in your head hinder you, not help you. And keep pressing until that movie is one you want to watch, that makes you feel good.
The GRIEF process is not linear. It is a process and hops around from stage to stage. Recognize what stage you are feeling at any given moment.
Having this awareness of what
You are feeling is powerful/you are powerful.
Know and allow this time – and know
That what is ‘gone’ is an opportunity to build and create whatever you have ever wanted your life to look like.
Fix what wasn’t working personally or professionally, if it can’t be fixed, change it. Create a new You- live the life you thought about when no one was looking.
Make wishes a reality. Live from your true passion you were kept from for so long.
Before you can change or fix anything- it starts with fixing and changing your
Mindset and perspective of our times.
This did not happen to you. You are not a victim.
This happened for You. To be victorious in your life and is a real life example of just how much you gave your power and value of life away to others who told you what to do and who you are. And a test of just how strong you are.
The anger you feel of the ‘plans’ in life you had – the ways you ‘think/thought’ things should be. Those are ways of ‘control’ in a limited thinking sense. And those too are a sense of grief.
I am not going to say Now, I am going to say Soon, that the open door to walk into a life that brings not just survival or a dollar sign is here.
And it will stay open for quite awhile, actually it was always open,
You just may see it a little clearer now –
Life is moldable and you are the artist. When the time is right for
You, Sit at the potters wheel and mold your new life, write the script of the movie you want to live in, paint the masterpiece from scratch instead of
Looking at a painting that was painted for you by another.
Letting go is hard, it is painful- but in doing so- you allow space in for something even greater waiting. But first, you need to honor your feelings.
You are truly stronger than this moment in time and more courageous than you realize.
In heart- not in ego. Ego will take power and create an illusion that will eventually tumble down.
You are the leadership many are looking for. You Lead. And this time – Lead from the heart. If you think fearing for
Your life and for others is living from the heart and from love- it is not. Fear cannot exist where love is. Fear wears many masks. Including anger.
If you don’t know what unconditional Love is, or never experienced it, now
Is the time to discover this true superhero power.
And going through the GRIEF process- by allowing yourself to work through the stages- the mask will fall away – Because looking only through the eyes of sight is limiting you. What is meant to be seen is far beyond your eyes and creating thoughts from just what you see. Which will create action and manifest in your life in a limiting way.
And trust soon you will rise – even if
You don’t feel that right now. It’s ok- just know You will.
I am writing this from the awareness of my own grief process and knowing where I am at emotionally. I have turned the corner into acceptance and that is why I can write this from my heart not from soothing the ego of self or anyone.
Everyone is on their own timetable. There is no one timeframe fits all. Go at a pace that honors you and don’t rush it.
And when you come through this- you may not recognize yourself- however you are one step closer to your True Self. May feel a little naked even. Well we were born that way – and that means now we can choose what to wear on our bodies and hearts. It takes Courage. It takes Trust. It takes honoring yourself. Maybe for the first time in your life.
Above all- remember – this crisis is a MOMENT in your life- this is not
Your forever.
This is a pause button for all of humanity. A time to contemplate and reflect of Who I Was and what was driving My life.
And then, when the time is right, you create you new normal from a strong foundation vision with you leading from Who I Am.
From the ashes comes beauty
From the pain comes wisdom
From the loss comes the opportunity for gain.
From honoring the truth comes peace.
And above all- the true test of Love is at hand. For Self and Others. The greatest superpower you have in your toolbox.
Your life is temporary- accepting this truth turns your fear of dying into gratitude for living and opens up every possibility to live it as fully and joyous as you were meant to. And that has nothing to do with a dollar sign.
– live forward in your healing knowing you are in a more powerful position than you have ever been to live this lifetime with the strongest foundation variables of Love, Courage, Forgiveness, Compassion, Gratitude, Passion and Strength-
Have those feelings and actions from those feelings be your Legacy.
GRIEF is a teacher.
And while we cannot control what is invisible or inevitable- the one biggest thing we can control is our mindset- which is the nucleus factory of our thoughts that will dictate all.
Choose wisely. Honor Self and then you will Rise.
I look back in humility to realize just how strong I was to rise from great loses of loves and from the illusion I was living. First though-
I had to allow my Grief to pass through and be with it every step. And each time it appeared.
Eventually when you Allow yourself to be with the question of ‘Well who am I now?” – it will lead you to the evolving answer of Who I am- and that is when you rise, not in a reactive survival mode, but it the true Creator of your life moving forward. The life that has been waiting for you. Letting that in means letting go- and the grief process will carry you there, if you honor it.
Allow the sunSET moment of your life so the sunRISE can come again.
I am here to give you a hand through and up if you’d like one.
Or feel free to share this with someone who may need this writing or a hand to hold. My hand and heart are outstretched to them.
Much
Let It go, let it all go
(Written 3/30/2021 over coffee at sunrise)
This phrase comes into my thought process so very often. It just pops in like an uninvited guest who will keep showing up and repeating themselves until you actually stop and just allow the conversation to be had. It’s because all they really want is to be heard.
And so the saying, “Let it go, Let it all go” is what I heard when I took my heart for its familiar walk along the coast of the Pacific in California a couple of months after my mother passed away from Covid. I have been taking my heart for a walk along the shores since the early 1990s, where much of my writings were created on those very beaches at sunset.
And this particular days heart walk, I know it wasn’t my voice in the silent saying this, it was my mothers. The tremendous amount of heartbreak, grief, fear and now responsibility of handling her affairs that resulted in such egregious behavior from others who supposedly loved her because she finally gave me a voice and trusted me to handle her affairs with transparency and love.
The compounding shock and grief of the last month of suffering of my mothers life with the horrific aftermath of the final fall out from those labeled “family“, in this lifetime, was a weight that was crushing the breath out of the very heart that was broken and crying on the walk.
“Let it go, Let it all go” over these past months of it replaying with every step wherever I am wandering lost once again in the lost and found of life – and hunkering down somewhere to rest a spell – as I had to criss-cross the country since May 2020 to handle moms affairs on my own – of facing my fears and grief picking up shattered pieces of her life and mine while simultaneously navigating a deadly pandemic, my own health challenge awareness, and behaviors of others that is completely antithesis to love… When I hear the saying now, like I am this morning as I write this, what it translates to me now is, nothing and nobody deserves to make you suffer ever again. Let me go and all the storylines, pain, fear, and tears from the storylines you have lived that have brought you to this point.
So if I let it all go, all the feelings and emotions and thoughts less than loving in its purest form, I have permission to let them go. And I have, because I asked myself how I choose to live the rest of my days and what do I want my life to FEEL like from here on. Not look like or sound like or any other five senses, but what do I want to feel…?
And I know in the very heart that was shattered on the heart walk almost 8 months ago, this phrase came from my mother. She wanted me to be freed from the storylines that were never mine to own of fear and suffering.
If I do not let it go, let it all go then how can I give purpose to the pain authentically, how can I honor love and my mother if I have an attachment to what that love felt like that was less than love itself.
In letting it all go on every level mentally, emotionally, physically, materialistically, financially and just walk on, that is what I walk and take with me; the love that never died.
This is being the ultimate beneficiary, the ultimate peace, the ultimate freedom, the ultimate truth. It is the one and only gift my mother has ever really given me that acknowledges she always did love me through my decades of questioning such. She gave me the ultimate gift of love in the end… what I had longed for since a child sequestered to the shadows of attention because chaos and anarchy reined since the beginning of my memories forming.
And finding the writings and letters to my mom through my decades, chasing her love and asking for nothing else, I understand now she had nothing left to give and by loving me while here would have put me in jeopardy of more suffering by the hands of another. So, by not showing me affection or diverting attention away from another and choosing me she was actually protecting me and she took the suffering upon herself like an invisible note I never knew was there until she passed away and it revealed itself.
In her releasing herself from the pain and suffering not only from Covid, but I understand now from every level of her being, she freed herself and in her freedom, she gave me mine. What I lived as conditional love, the fallacy of love- always affirmed there was more to love and chose to delve “into the kite“ and my life‘s journey, her choosing to die, I know that in itself was an act of unconditional love. Finally. For herself. And for me.
She let go, she let it all go… and I have too now.
We are both at peace and free to love without pain or fear.
We let go to let the love live on.
Thank you Mom
Can I accept…?
(Written April 19, 2020 7:14pm – Arizona – on the ‘Grief and Resurrection’ Road trip chapter of my life. Turned out another level of grief was waiting for me in the shadows shortly hereafter.)
I just read a Hafiz Poem from a book on a shelf in this peaceful abode where I threw a dart at a map and ran away from the pain and trauma engulfing me. I am now self- isolating in the silence trying to drown out the noise of the heavy artillery called life’s war raging on my heart.
His poem is about accepting everything and that is love. And that is when you know God.
Hmmm, it’s interesting because it says forgiveness gives you peace and forgiveness is really acceptance.
Do you accept what happened? It does not mean you agree with it – just accept it because it’s outside your control and so much grief happens of trying to control things outside our control.
Everyone is on their journey. Everyone is at a place they chose. I need to learn from
Everyone.
And everyone is on their own wisdom timetable, their own truth timetable, their own acceptance timetable, their own forgiveness timetable.
And most of all, their own love timetable.
If I can accept everything and everyone and every experience and every moment that has ever transpired; especially the ones that cause pain and suffering… if I can accept every single molecule of my journey then I am freed. !?!?!
So much I do not agree with and perhaps the pain was necessary but by accepting all and everyone and actions including my own then I release any sense of ego-meaning control – of what I cannot control – meaning I also release the suffering that partners with control.
And then I win that which is released – and love blooms everywhere, in everything and in everyone, including me.
Can I accept this simple formula for my own peace and freedom to love without fear?
(Written 10 days before I received the call my mother got Covid. 27 days before she died. 3 months before the seed of The Loving Garden returned to my heart after a decade. 11 months later, The Loving Garden website bloomed into its Truth.)
LOVE WILL NOT BE SABOTAGED AGAIN
Love will not be sabotaged again.
If you try to sabotage love- out of any emotion that feels it ‘deserves it’ – to be ‘right’ – to feel power over something or someone –
You are not reflecting love.
You are reflecting your fear of it and what it represents – a worthiness without ulterior motives or conditions – in the giving or the receiving.
Real love cannot be controlled.
It is not meant to be controlled.
If you put limits on love, you put limits on your very own being. And will receive the same in return.
Do not sabotage yourself.
Do not sabotage your worth.
I know that path.
Choose the other path.
The one where fear cannot walk and wield the sword of sabotage.
The path of letting love breathe without controlling it –
That is your greatest power. Your Freedom you truly want.
-Lori Freed
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