Sitting with the owner of the Hurricane Maria dismantled property, reminds me of my friend in Malibu of her property turned to ash during the wildfires. Also sitting there, amongst the piles of soot reflective of my own life at the time. Now sitting here 2 years later amongst the destruction of this dear soul’s life and talking about rebuilding, which again reminds me of where I am at in my own life after my personal hurricane of 2020 that felt like I died multiple times.
The loss of self from a relationship that left me a carcass, the actions, of one I love so much pushing me away, the horrific death of my mother from Covid-19, and even more horrific actions – The inactions of those that supposedly loved my mother, a disastrous flood in her homes after she passed, losing my location of living in California, living financially on a shoestring with no unemployment help or stipend check help because I was in a loophole and too exhausted from grief and zig-zagging cross country for my mom’s affairs to even deal with shambles of my own life during a deadly pandemic and being immune compromised. Oh, there is more to 2020 so much more but this entry would become a book unto itself.
[expand title=”Read more”]
Back to these women and the metaphor…
To rebuild these structures and also the businesses they created, to rebuild their hearts and their emotional devastation is a fear unlike any other of multi-levels of grief-our homes, our structures. They are our havens. They are supposed to be our safety and security. They store the halls of our memories and experiences and they are a financial security for some. In a moment we cannot control, they are washed away or burnt away. They leave the identity of self in ruin as well.
The walls we all build, metaphorically or physically, are for a purpose, for protection is a big one. We become exposed when our structures of what we built are swept away leaving us exposed to the elements and the masses of those who stand in judgmental and whispering eyes.
Then our fear instills, we don’t want to be seen as anything less than strong, as strong as the supposed structures we built.
The strength it takes to stand in this nakedness is not material, is not a blanket to cover our raw truth and grief – it is the strength and power of the other ‘home’ the other structure we all forgot too often – ourselves- our true Home here. And that houses our real selves- love. The very walls that came furiously down on us do not make who we are, they do not define us- they were really only temporary anyway- we judge hedge our bets they will outlive us.
What is always left standing at any moment after an annihilation is our superpower, “LOVE.” Nobody and nothing can take this home away! IF we don’t allow it.
Knowing that nothing defines a person more than them knowing they are worthy of love and have always, always been love until the world touched us in ways that felt less than this love and we conformed to other feelings and ways of living in the world in order to survive.
In order to build – no rebuild- but build from the strongest foundation – it starts with self and being love to your own self regardless of any eyes upon us. It is not selfish – and anyone who says it is, does not love their own self. It is necessary to remember if we always love others because they are worthy of it, why would it not be ok to be worthy of our own love too? It has been ass backwards for so long- excuse my language.
If we love ourselves enough to tell ourselves- these walls no more won’t stop me – because they are no more – what I have to build upon now is the foundation of love – and in that energy feeling – yes the help will come, the money will come, the peace will come. Fear and anger will keep us standing in the middle of the wreckage and weakens our driving force.
It is standing in this very wreckage of rotted wood or piles of ashes called our life – be it a home, a relationship, the loss of someone, a job…that we still have the breath of life for a reason – and if you are reading this then consider
Yourself blessed because you obviously have more purpose in your life to complete/ you ain’t done yet.
If we ourselves withstood what destroyed all else- then that is evidence we are meant to rise up, carry on- and show our true strength, our real selves – the truth of just how loved we are that we withstood the force that took all else away. Can you own this truth? It took me a seriously long time to accept I had more strength in me than I knew, more courage, and most of all…more love. I found the courage to love myself when the shattering of everything and everyone in my life and grief was trying to tell me otherwise. I no longer listened to what weakened me-I was pretty much left with no choice but to trust the love I kept hidden out of fear of rejection and accusations and shame.
I chose again. I chose my truth of who and what I am and have always been, my hidden away superpower, “Love.”
If we choose to see through these eyes, these perceptions – there is a purpose to our pain – then we pull our bootstraps up, put our big girl- and boy- pants on, expand our arms (wings as I call them) even bigger and declare – ‘Watch out, my true power now leads.” I know I deserve to remember what I am, LOVE. And Love is our greatest strength, our greatest healer, and our greatest truth.
Build from the power of the real YOU.
(In a bow to my dear friends Bibi and Karen – 2 of the strongest women I know. Both rising in their truth and power of Love to rise and build from the wreckage and ash.)
Love On ladies! [/expand]