the blade of love

I don’t remember what kind of knife it was, I just remember it had a dark handle, a silver blade and it was coming towards me.

I ran as far as I could, which was only about 10 feet because the front door was closed and there was no escaping. The narrow hallway from the kitchen to the front door offered me no refuge. I could not get to the door fast enough and unlock it. And when I reached it..

She reached me. 

Wedged between the hinges of the front door and the wall of the hallway, I turned around with my back pushed so far into the corner. I was praying to disappear and have the walls take me in as their own. Upon a split second, the blade was at my throat. I cannot tell you what I was wearing or if I even had shoes on.

I went numb, frozen, the cliche of a deer in headlights is an understatement. I believe I left my body. I could not feel the cold steel on my throat.

The words I heard from the one that held the dark handle of the knife, were garbled like I was underwater, but what I did know was she threatened to kill me.

In that instant, I could never defy her again. I could never stand up knowing the truth. I would always have to do her bidding in order to survive if I didn’t physically die in that moment. I reflect back and know I died in every other way in that corner.

After what felt like years, she stepped back, knife still in hand. I paused, seeing her, but felt blind.

I instinctively turned to the staircase to my left and ran up the stairs to my feet. My hands on the beige carpet of the stairs but I did not feel it. I’m scrambling by memory to my bedroom like I did many times before.

I closed my bedroom door with all my fragile frame weight, and locked it. I was shaking. I didn’t know it then, but my nervous system went into shock and would end up plummeting me into decades of hospitalizations and disease and surgeries in the years to come.

I do not remember how I made it to my bed and under my covers where I had gone many times to escape the pain within these walls I was growing up in.

But this time I knew, there was no escaping the walls and who held me captive. Even beyond the walls, she would find me.

At 11 years old, I became her bitch. I was officially her slave. And so began the loss of my heart, my evolving true identity, and into the darkness and detachment of self I plunged, and I never saw myself again for a long, long time.

That moment took me on a journey for decades into the depths of hell and eventually, as I write this memory 42 years later, it was the journey that took me to the heights of heaven. 

I look back and see I fought the bloody war fields to reclaim what was threatened and stalked by a thief in the blackness of night for 4 more decades. The thief after my soul.

Today, I don’t know how I survived. I do know, now this very journey that turned me to ashes over and over took me into the knowing. It took me into the sufferings and excruciating pains of a body not wanting to live. It was only my will, somewhere buried so deep that subconsciously knew there had to be more purpose to this fear, to the suffering, to the endless suffocating pain.

I didn’t know it was my will or where it was determined to go and why. 

Now I know what I didn’t, now I always knew. Over the decades, I began to dig at the grave of what was buried.

The grace inside me.

The more I dug into the dirt and darkness, the deeper I went into the unknown  that got me in its grasp and refused to let me go.

For over 40 years, I dug down into that blackness of the grave, scratching and clawing with bloody fingers and bleeding heart.

And upon a moment of a final annihilation of yet another storyline of life and death, the final one of my lineage called my mother. I arrived at the bottom of the grave of what was buried, laying in wait for me.

It was still breathing beneath thousands of feet of pain weighing upon it.

It was Me. It was Love.

I reclaimed what a knife or any other suffering could never kill. The love I always was.

The tip of the steel blade at my throat raged a war with love I see now. And while my body could have died while on the brink so many

times in this lifetime and wanted to something would not give me mercy and let me just go and leave this world.

I know now that something was love.

Love never dies even when threatened by the tip of a knife blade, pounded on by verbal shaming and emotional crucifixion, not by calculated mental abuse or the robbing of all I held near and dear.

No. Love would not let me out of it’s grasp because I was it’s SOULdier. I was it’s victim and heroine of our love story.

I somehow would rise by it’s strength of truth and purpose when I didn’t know what it was that kept me coming back from my shattered being over and over.

I dug up the truth. It was not outside myself. It was inside me. I was the grave and the gravedigger.

It was the truth. I went in search for it since that moment of the blade at my throat at my voice at my truth that was rendered silent.

I reclaimed Me. I reclaimed what I was born of no matter who and what told me I was something else.

I am Love. I flew from the bottom of my own grave in Love. I am Freed.

The one who held the knife was not my enemy.

They were my teacher by duality. They have shown me my true strength and courage even while living in fear and tested my will to prove I was more than the pain – and helped me find my greatest healer – Self Love. 

The whole journey unto Self was driven unconsciously by Self Love I understand now – wanting me to find it again at all costs. And I paid dearly. All was taken from me and only in my nothingness did I arrive at the bottom of the grave. Where I found my everything. 

I know why I am still in this world to write this.

Because for all those that feel they walk alone, lost love on their path or do not feel worthy of it. Felt the blade of a knife upon them literally or metaphorically. I am here to speak and share the Truth. You are not alone. You are not the storyline of the your knife experience. You are what the experience threatened to take away from you. You are Love and I will walk and crawl with you in the darkness and help you dig down deep into the pain to release it and reclaim what awaits for you beyond its purpose. A greater purpose, the truth that you are worthy of Love. You are Love. 

And Trust in this Truth I shear herein, You Never Again Walk or Love Alone. 

I Love You

http://www.thelovinggarden.com

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