I had so much anxiety about Elijah’s 1 year anniversary. I started to regress in grief about a month before. I know it has to do with getting through survival mode and all the changes. All the responsibilities had kept me distracted for so many months. Now that the fog is lifting, the pain of reality is worse. Every time I thought about his 1 year my heart started to palpitate. It was so surreal to even think it has been a year since I held him in my arms and had him by my side. I felt like I had lost time somewhere.
My first inclination of his one year was for me to run. I knew I could not outrun the truth of his passing or of my unresolved grief. I don’t know how I handled it all when the time came, but I did my best one day at a time though I wish I could get off the roller coaster.